James has been reported missing by the authorities not thirty minutes ago, and the only clue they have as to his whereabouts is this small transcript from a Journal he kept while he ventured into the unknown. This is his story:
9:00 AM, July 9th: We have now arrived at this Camp ground, and I seem to be the only one to notice that it is in utter ruin. The roads are not paved, these structures I see do not have satellites on top of them, some of them don't seem to even have electricity. I pray for the souls trapped inside these shells of torture, which others would dare to call “Cabins.”
10:45 AM, July 9th: My sister is trying to make my brother and I play this strange card game “Racko,” It is completely tactless. I feared that we were slowly turning into animals until my brother agreed that this game was, like, totally stupid, bro. We played Uno, that's better.
9:09 PM, July 9th: I can't believe this, the high-def tv my brother purchased for the half-week at camp doesn't pick up the Air waves without rabbit ears, this sucks. Truly this is a wasteland of nega-technology, where technology is frowned upon. Terrible.
11:30 AM, July 10th: I went searching for intelligent life, someone else sitting in their cabin like a sane person, not like these folk hanging around outside enjoying “Nature.” Nature, bah! If I want nature, I'll pop in a disc of Planet Earth, why go outside when David Attenborough is doing it for me?
1:35 PM, July 10th: What is this thing!?
These folk seem to have lost their foothold in reality and created strange variations upon modern architecture. I pray that these people will realize their wrong-doings and come back to the sane world of Reality shows and emotional indifference. They're too... happy, it kind of makes me feel strange to see so many happy people. NO, don't give in James, you're a sensible, intelligent and independent couch potato, you don't need to mess up such a good thing.
7:00 PM, July 10th: I have been subject to torture, friends. I have eaten their food, and I am now digesting it.
Look at this cacophony of dark and evil materials, not a bit of which needed to be put in the microwave mind you, so you know there's something wrong already, crudely laid upon a plate of paper. A warning to you all now, friends, if you hear mention of a substance known as “Macaroni Salad,” run fast, run far, for it is a substance these creatures consume, even though it was pretty good... WHAT AM I SAYING!?
12:30 PM, July 11th: My mother may soon be lost to this settlement of nature loving... folk. She just let in two young children of another tribe to tend to wounds that developed on one of their knees. Apparently, the female child in question was injured when operating a machine known as, and I'm not sure if I'm saying this right, a “Bicycle.” My worst fears may soon be realized, I fear that this Faith Community hidden in the trees may indeed be a front for a child labour organization! Their minds were warped and twisted in a terribly perverse way, they were happy, with smiles on their faces, almost as if they were glad that they were being worked to the bone operating these Bicycles...
4:45 PM, July 11th: My mother has been gone for perhaps half an hour. She has supposedly gone to appeal to the leaders of this settlement to remove perhaps five or six wasp's nests hanging off of the outside of the cabin we are in, I personally believe that they may be weapons strategically placed there to emanate gaseous... gases into our cabin to manipulate our brains. My brother went out to find her after fifteen minutes had passed, and much to his misfortune, he found her fraternizing with the folk. Not just attempting to study them, she was interacting, laughing, conversing, she was one of them. They have infiltrated my family group, I can't even trust my own mother anymore, I may have to kill her.
3:01 PM, July 12th: I just returned from a most disturbing event. I travelled with my sister to some kind of pool full of water. Children were being dunked into it by their parents, most likely being taught diving for militant purposes. For the sake of the investigation, I went in this poorly disguised pool to study further. I wore my shirt in the pool, but it was only because I burn easily. Stop laughing. It... it wasn't fun at... at all. I... I... ok it was pretty snazzy, I could get used to these militant diving techniques, even if it looked a lot like swimming.
8:00 PM, July 12th: I am now a man. I have created fire with my bare hands (also with wood, paper towels and matches). We made S'Mores! Did you know about these things? They're, like, Marshmallow, ok? Yeah, and then you light the Marshmallow on fire and wrap it in Graham Cracker and Chocolate (the Marshmallow shouldn't be on fire at that point). Boy, I sure was wrong about these kind folk. Just becauses they converse, laugh and don't need TV doesn't make them weird, it just makes them special. We also cooked assorted meats on the fire, Hot dogs and stuff. I wonder where a honky can get hisself a fire for inside the house...
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11:30 AM, July 10th: I went searching for intelligent life, someone else sitting in their cabin like a sane person, not like these folk hanging around outside enjoying “Nature.” Nature, bah! If I want nature, I'll pop in a disc of Planet Earth, why go outside when David Attenborough is doing it for me?
Absolute Wasteland...
These folk seem to have lost their foothold in reality and created strange variations upon modern architecture. I pray that these people will realize their wrong-doings and come back to the sane world of Reality shows and emotional indifference. They're too... happy, it kind of makes me feel strange to see so many happy people. NO, don't give in James, you're a sensible, intelligent and independent couch potato, you don't need to mess up such a good thing.
7:00 PM, July 10th: I have been subject to torture, friends. I have eaten their food, and I am now digesting it.
Look at this cacophony of dark and evil materials, not a bit of which needed to be put in the microwave mind you, so you know there's something wrong already, crudely laid upon a plate of paper. A warning to you all now, friends, if you hear mention of a substance known as “Macaroni Salad,” run fast, run far, for it is a substance these creatures consume, even though it was pretty good... WHAT AM I SAYING!?
12:30 PM, July 11th: My mother may soon be lost to this settlement of nature loving... folk. She just let in two young children of another tribe to tend to wounds that developed on one of their knees. Apparently, the female child in question was injured when operating a machine known as, and I'm not sure if I'm saying this right, a “Bicycle.” My worst fears may soon be realized, I fear that this Faith Community hidden in the trees may indeed be a front for a child labour organization! Their minds were warped and twisted in a terribly perverse way, they were happy, with smiles on their faces, almost as if they were glad that they were being worked to the bone operating these Bicycles...
4:45 PM, July 11th: My mother has been gone for perhaps half an hour. She has supposedly gone to appeal to the leaders of this settlement to remove perhaps five or six wasp's nests hanging off of the outside of the cabin we are in, I personally believe that they may be weapons strategically placed there to emanate gaseous... gases into our cabin to manipulate our brains. My brother went out to find her after fifteen minutes had passed, and much to his misfortune, he found her fraternizing with the folk. Not just attempting to study them, she was interacting, laughing, conversing, she was one of them. They have infiltrated my family group, I can't even trust my own mother anymore, I may have to kill her.
Her expression. So empty.
3:01 PM, July 12th: I just returned from a most disturbing event. I travelled with my sister to some kind of pool full of water. Children were being dunked into it by their parents, most likely being taught diving for militant purposes. For the sake of the investigation, I went in this poorly disguised pool to study further. I wore my shirt in the pool, but it was only because I burn easily. Stop laughing. It... it wasn't fun at... at all. I... I... ok it was pretty snazzy, I could get used to these militant diving techniques, even if it looked a lot like swimming.
(Right here, there seems to be a large gap between entries, I think that this may have been when they pounced on him.)
8:00 PM, July 12th: I am now a man. I have created fire with my bare hands (also with wood, paper towels and matches). We made S'Mores! Did you know about these things? They're, like, Marshmallow, ok? Yeah, and then you light the Marshmallow on fire and wrap it in Graham Cracker and Chocolate (the Marshmallow shouldn't be on fire at that point). Boy, I sure was wrong about these kind folk. Just becauses they converse, laugh and don't need TV doesn't make them weird, it just makes them special. We also cooked assorted meats on the fire, Hot dogs and stuff. I wonder where a honky can get hisself a fire for inside the house...
(Yeah, he's probably dead.)
Jamie
ReplyDeleteGreat blog post, dunno about camp but I appreciate your descriptions. Also too, I like Tony's top five picks, especially the song with Kid Rock. Sorry about Little Jim, maybe its finally time for you to get a Mac